I’m tired.
Tired of late nights waiting for Micah’s blood sugar to come down, tired of changing failed insulin pods (there’s been too many lately), tired of the tedious process of calling or going online for replacements, tired of anxiety, tired of the friction it causes in our family. So very tired of not being able to sleep–even though I am so very tired.
I’m tired of being concerned. Concerned that Micah isn’t being pushed enough at school. Concerned that he will be placed in a job that will be way too simple—I know what he’s capable of. Concerned that my duties as Micah’s guardian will become messed up somehow by my failings. Accounting was never my strong suit. So much record-keeping, so much red tape, so much minutia.
Is this really my life? Can I be selfish for a minute?
No one tells you any of this when your child is diagnosed with a condition like autism, Down’s syndrome, or myriad other disabilities. You are not told that much of your life will be spent experiencing all the above plus so much more. I’m grateful that I did not know what my life would become. One day at a time is a much better way to tread, oblivious to the frustrations, the unfairness, the desperation, the sorrows.
Yesterday morning, on the way to school, I heard a song called, “Almost Home” by the Christian group, Mercy Me. I cried as I listened. I felt certain God was answering my prayer from last night as I sat up until midnight waiting for Micah’s blood sugar (which was an extremely high 385 thanks to a failed pod) to decrease. The words were exactly what I needed to hear, lyrics about the troubles and burdens in this world, but to take heart—we are almost home. This world is so temporary; eternity is eons longer. As in forever! And it’s going to be amazing! Without this hope, I don’t think I could go on. I believe there is a God and that he sent his only son, Jesus, to die on a cross for me, giving me the gift of salvation and a wonderful relationship with him. I cling to this promise, especially during these desperate times.
We can all attest that life is full of hills and valleys. The Bible tells us this flat out (In this life you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33) But I know that God uses the valleys to strengthen my faith in him, to remind me to trust that He has the situation under control—no matter what. It is in these low places, that I’m most likely to pray longer, to linger over His words, and to listen to Christian music. It truly helps! I’m confident in God’s promises and that God will use this time for good (And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28).
When I pray and read God’s word, I am renewed. I have peace, I have comfort, and even though I might be tired, I am able to persevere.